Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
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April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
i wish i could marry a nap
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
