Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

Life with a cat in one tweet

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.