Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
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never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Confused owl: What?!
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.