Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
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[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Not all heroes wear capes…
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
She might be a genius
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁