Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
You Might Also Like
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
brian had himself a morning…
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
British people be like I’m Bri ish
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.