Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee