Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

My dating profile:

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.