Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

🎵 I can’t wait to

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere