@PetrickSara

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

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@OctopusCaveman

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

@SvnSxty

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

@sween

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

@Kristen_Arnett

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

@iamspacegirl

Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.

@lifecoachfit

It takes a village to raise a child so I dropped the kids off at my neighbors house with a note: “your turn”