Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
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The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I can’t stop laughing at this
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.