@PetrickSara

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

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@crazytraci72

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

@aparnapkin

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

@Ygrene

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

@chuuew

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

@Jandalize

On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.

@Fred_Delicious

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

@Playing_Dad

[Heaven]
Me: Can I come in?
St Peter: *shakes head no*
Me: Was it close?
St Peter: *rolls out my lifetime internet history* Not really

@mrjohndarby

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

@Spaced_Cowboy00

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

@dave_cactus

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.