Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Parents, then: Would it kill you to pick up the phone?
Parents, now: Would it kill you to put down the phone?
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
My boss said that we could go outside during the solar eclipse, but no time limit was given
*takes 8 hour lunch break
*raids liquor store
Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Mother in law found me… On the twitter
This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.
I’m so sorry
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
INTERN 1: 6 in the Oval Office
INTERN 2: 4 in the Roosevelt Room
INTERN 3: 1 in the Lincoln Bedroom
BIDEN: Okay, let’s go catch some Pokemon