@TheAlexNevil

Parents, then: Would it kill you to pick up the phone?

Parents, now: Would it kill you to put down the phone?

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@AnchorsAviators

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

@squirrel74wkgn

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

@Spaziotwat

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

@Wine_Honey1

My boss said that we could go outside during the solar eclipse, but no time limit was given

*takes 8 hour lunch break
*raids liquor store

@mauleePillar

Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.

@shutupmikeginn

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

@JimmySelfDest

Mother in law found me… On the twitter

This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.

I’m so sorry

@TheBoydP

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

@Home_Halfway

INTERN 1: 6 in the Oval Office
INTERN 2: 4 in the Roosevelt Room
INTERN 3: 1 in the Lincoln Bedroom
BIDEN: Okay, let’s go catch some Pokemon