The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
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Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
brian had himself a morning…
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
This trial is so absurd 😭