dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
dad: What’s a fuse?
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Parents Then: YOU’RE GOING TO SMOKE THE WHOLE CARTON, MISTER.
Parents Today: Explain it to me again … You’re a Nazi, but on the computer?
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Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
My mom voice was so loud even my neighbors washed their hands & cleaned their rooms😒😒
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
PLS JUST DO IT
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good