Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
You Might Also Like
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.