Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

🙂🐾

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.