Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

me when the borders lift

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no