Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

😂😂😂

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number