Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
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Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
You can’t rush stupid.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.