Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you