Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
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Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.