Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
can’t talk my ride’s here
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.