Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
You Might Also Like
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
Ooh I do like a good funnel
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang