Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
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A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here