Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
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Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims