Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

😂

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.