Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!