Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this post was so formative to me

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.