Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

A collection of me turning into random objects.

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

What do you call a group of musical killer whales?

An orca-stra.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

lmao

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?