Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
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Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.