Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*