Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

Fun Things

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

Huge, if true.

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.