Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
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“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Lmfaoooooo
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.