Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

“We will wed,” I threatened

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.