Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

same bro

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?