Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
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If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
We’ve all been there…
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
“Great, now I have to pee.”
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Smile they said.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.