Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
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if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
i dont have time for this
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.