@freypalm

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

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@Marlebean

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

@longwall26

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

@rickkondell

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

@MichaelGoffLA

Feed me pieces of baguette by the park bench like one of your French squirrels.

@infamousone96

Boss: “You’re not suppose to be drinking on the job!”
Me: “You’re not suppose to cheat on your wife.”
Boss: “Keep up the good work sir.”

@markedly

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

@ruinedpicnic

[Friend opens Christmas present]
Me: It’s a lie detector
Friend: Oh… I love it
Me: (whispering) we’ll see

@TheMichaelRock

My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.