Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
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kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.