Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
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Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.