Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.

#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

😂😂😂

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall