Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
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WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.