Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
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The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
This story is comedy gold 😂
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”