Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
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The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”