Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
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HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
The sacred texts.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated