Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
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A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
We have a winner.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti