Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
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I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Just me?
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks