Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
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At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)