Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
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I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.