Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

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“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.


Conviction is sexy. Why do you think so many prisoners get marriage proposals?


(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!


CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second


God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot


At this point most of the hugs I’m involved in are just my kids using me as a napkin.


DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool


If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.


Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…