Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
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Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Hey i am sexy to you now
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.