@lloydrang: Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
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@Mr_Kapowski: Me: Hurry up kid. We're gonna be late for school 6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*
@mrtruthandsoul: "Now officer, hear me out: alcohol is a depressant and cocaine is a stimulant. Therefore, mixed in equal parts, I'm basically sober!"
@TheToddWilliams: FRIEND: What's your favorite underground band? ME: Hmm...The Beatles FRIEND: They're not really considered underground ME: Half of them are
@squirrel74wkgn: Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.