Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
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Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo