Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
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How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
why I oughta
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
i spent way too long on this
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!