Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
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Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing