Parents: “Why don’t you come socialize with the family?” Me: *sits with family* *gets insulted by entire family* *goes back to bedroom*

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“Excuse me shopkeep, where are your Terminators?”
“Aisle B, back”.


I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me


I have a condition that I eat when I can’t sleep. Its called Insom-nom-nom-nomnia.


These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.


Cholesteroly? RT @kfc_colonel How would you describe KFC gravy in one word?


[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps


Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*


Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*