Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
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16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
But that’s none of my business
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Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
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In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Might start laying my own eggs
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing