Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
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PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can鈥檛 believe he hasn鈥檛 dropped his ice cream.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger鈥檚 hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I鈥檓 sweating just looking at him.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word鈥tupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I鈥檓 white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 馃槓
Me: 馃樁
Friend: 馃槙
Me: 馃槓
Me: 馃憖馃挱
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
*pronounces UPS like yoops