Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

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There’s a marble statue of Mr. Peanut sculpted by Michaelangelo in the basement of the Sistine Chapel that only the popes know about


If I’m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet


Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.


ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems


ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine


Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.


“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.


One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.


Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!