Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
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“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?