Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
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Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Got ya covered
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice