Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
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Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Good morning
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I have so many questions.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve