Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

Me My dog

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

Taco Bell, Exit 22

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves