Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

Don’t make me out nice you.

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling