Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

i really liked this one

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

go easy on yourself <3

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.