Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

Art by Pastelkatto

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.