Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

PARKOUR

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.