Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
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Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.