Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
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Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
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Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
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If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
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Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.