Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.