Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

My dryer is celebrating lint.

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.