Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
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Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
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[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?