Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 馃し馃槅馃ぃ馃う
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Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
imagine you鈥檙e in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it鈥檚 still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn鈥檛 even safe to be ON the Titanic!
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
This is my brand.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I鈥檓 still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Y鈥檃ll answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 饾樀饾槱饾槮饾槸 exterminate all human life.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that鈥檚 my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg