Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN