Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

What do you hear?

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

#Caturday

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what