Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
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*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
Sorry I made promises on Friday
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.