Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
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What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
My dress code is business-casualty.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on