I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
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the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
The two types of wives
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.