Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

Steam Forums

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…